x-posted from My Hero Always. I take two steps forward and 10 steps back.

This person btw is apparently STALKING me just to be malicious as they commented on the family site also. I should also remind that the kids check both sites from school and on their own laptops. Nice huh? Just what they need to be reading too.

Wondering
a.friend@gmail.com | 72.240.170.177

Patience – Why no new posts? Have you forgotten?

I know you loved him – I understand. But now has time passed and you’ve forgotten this tribute so easily? Or is life too busy to take the time any more, now that he’s been gone for so long.

Just like the country…. you forget. How sad.

Actually it just means that my children are a bigger priority than a website. Sharing stories with them is more important than people like YOU.

You know what they say about people who make assumptions? You make an ass of you and me.

To the person from the Toledo, Ohio area who was too cowardly to sign their real name, with their real email address and seems to take pleasure in actually causing pain to the widow of a fallen soldier, you have made a terrible assumption. Who are you to assume you know how I grieve? Just because a website has not been updated does NOT mean that I have forgotten MY husband. It means my time has been better served else where. MY CHILDREN. Paul’s son will be 6 years old in September. Last year he went to half day kindergarten and became VERY aware that HE did not have a daddy attending school functions and taking him to and picking him up from school. Do you have any idea who it is that comforts this crying child who misses his daddy EVERY day? ME. Paul’s WIFE. I’m the one that cries every day still, even almost 3 years later. It has NOT been a good year for me and the kids contrary to what many people may wish to believe. I have photos of him in EVERY room of my house. I have his picture in my cars. I talk about him all the time to the point where people are tired of hearing his name.

And while I’m at it, since somebody from Ohio is choosing to make assumptions about me like they live in my house with me and stand in my shoes every day, I have NOT dated anybody since Paul died. I have NO interest in dating. I am still very much IN love with my husband and I still call myself his WIFE. People who know me and actually speak to me know that my heart did, does and always will belong to Paul. People see my pain still. Were you here yesterday (July 21) when I cried off and on all day and didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything because it would of been 8 years that we had been together? I didn’t see you in bed next to me. Have you emailed me on a personal level? Or are you just jealous that he was married to ME and feel the need to lash out and make ME hurt more to make yourself feel better? Well screw you and anybody else that thinks they know me and my grief and my life. Were you at the cemetery on April 3rd of this year? I was.. with my 3 children and 3 other adults drinking a sparkling cider toast and having green frosted cup cakes for him. Were you at the cemetery on the 2 yr anniversary? I was.. with balloons and notes in hand with my children, his sister, some of his battle buddies and one of his best friends. Are you the god mother of a child who is named after him? I am. Oh yea.. BTW.. he’s the god father. Were you sitting here with Devlin watching the videos Paul left for him of him reading stories? I don’t think so.. nope you weren’t. Are you playing mom AND dad to this sweet and loving little boy with a hurting heart? Nope. You’re not doing that either.

For anybody that’s interested, I have a memorial Myspace set up for Paul. Just email me for the URL. It’s only viewable to those who are added as friends. I post/update this one more often at the moment because that’s where some of his battle buddies are signed up and I can keep in touch with them and let them know how we are doing. Those that really care and support us take the time to send supportive messages not try to cause us more hurt.

It’s sad that I should even have to make a post such as this but this behavior is absolutely unacceptable of an adult. But from the mouth of our sweet boy who wonders why mommy is now crying AGAIN, “You have pictures everywhere mommy. You always tell me stories about him. Don’t let that person make you cry. Tell that person to go away.” And that is what keeps me going every day. That little boy with Paul’s face and habits. If not for that little boy I’d already be with MY husband.

We’re having a book drive in honor of Paul! If you’re interested please check out Freedom To Read. Please spread the word! We REALLY want this to be a success!

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I’m so behind on adding some of my membership logos because I was having problems with my old laptop charging and keeping a charge. But I got the logos added for Rose Bon Bon, Sunflower Streams, Pixel Anything (which should have been added AGES ago), Maya Sigtags Club and Pixel Graffiti. Now that I’m on my newer laptop and have a ton of storage with my external drive I’m going to start the LONG process of resizing and renaming photos from the last year and a half and getting them uploaded to the gallery.

Paul’s birthday is Tuesday. He would of been 33 years old. Last year I requested that people do a good deed for somebody or donate to a charity in his memory to celebrate his life. I’m requesting the same again this year. Paul was a big reader and he loved kids so anything having to do with reading, kids or both are a good start. Or maybe donate money or goods to your favorite charity. Good deeds can be anything from helping at a shelter or offering to babysit for somebody so they can get a night out. There is no such thing as a good deed too small or too big.

Only a kids movie can make me cry. I was watching Barnyard with Devlin the other night and while I’d been warned the daddy dies I wasn’t expecting it to affect me the way it did. I started bawling and had to hug Devlin a little closer. The dad dies protecting the other animals on the farm. He died a hero. And the song they played when the son found out just.. wow. It was about a father and son. I’m going to have to find that song for Devlin.

In other news, my brother-in-law will be home from Iraq soon. At least it will be once less person to worry about and my sister will be happy. Not a whole lot else going on here. I’m looking into home schooling for Caitlyn. She’s having a rough time at school and I don’t want it to affect her education. We’ll see..

I’m watching some footage of President Ford lying in state. Betty Ford is such an epitome of strength right now. I could only hope that through it all I have shown even an ounce of her strength. She’s so solemn and strong even at her age and in her frail state. But to be married so long and so be so supportive of your husband the president. It’s all just… wow. I only got to share 5 years of life with Paul. I can’t imagine having shared my whole life with him and still being that strong. And yet I envy that she had that many more years of memories.

If you’re looking for new Christmas music why not purchase a cd that helps out a good cause? It features the voices of the children of the fallen and helps raise money for a program called Operation Ensuring Christmas. It provides trips to Disney World for the children of the fallen. A Lil’ Heroes Christmas

I’m making my Christmas card list! If you are interested in receiving or exchanging Christmas cards with me and my family please email public@just-our-family.com with your mailing address. Also if you would like my address just request it! I know some of you haven’t heard from me in ages and I apologize. I’m trying to be better about staying in contact with people. Some days are just better than others. I’m feeling the holiday spirit this year and can’t wait to get started decorating for Christmas!

Jordan Leigh has released the video to Soldier I Thank You in which she pays tribute to her brother, SGT Kenneth Schall, other fallen heroes and our military. Please take the time to view this video and support Jordan Leigh.

Today would of been our 2nd wedding anniversary. It still hurts so much to know that we won’t be growing old together. I miss him every day and often wonder if we would of settled back into our comfortable lives together by now. Would we have had the formal wedding we’d talked about having when he returned from Iraq by now? Would we be knee deep in travel brochures and saving every extra penny we had to take the kids to Disney World next year like we’d planned?

Two years ago today, I married my soulmate. Two years ago today, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. How could I not be? I was marrying the love of my life and getting to share that day with my 3 beautiful children and my parents. I took a risk at being hurt again, or failing at another marriage. I married him knowing I could experience the biggest heartache of my life and have. I wouldn’t take it back, not for one second.

I’m going out to dinner tonight. I’m not sure with who yet, either one of the 860th wives, my sister-in-law or my best friend. I’m going to go out and celebrate my love for Paul and our love for each other. I ordered myself 3 dozen purple carnations from ProFlowers and then curiosity got the best of me and I wandered over to 100flowers which is where Paul always ordered from. I wanted to see what they had to offer and if next time I might order from there. While looking around I found the very arrangement that Paul ordered for me for my birthday before he was killed. I couldn’t help it. I ordered them because when I look at them they remind me of him and how special he made me feel that last year. I also ordered something to hug when I got sad today. I thought it was going to be a bear but when it showed up it was a lion. It was a pleasant surprise and I felt like he had a hand in it.

I uploaded Halloween photos and you can find them under Holidays. The highlight of the night was the truck which also had it’s own touch of Halloween and also sort of tied into the day of th dead. A day to celebrate the lives of those who have died. Halloween was Paul’s favorite holiday and we wanted him to be included and to know that we celebrated Halloween this year in memory of him know matter how difficult it may have been on us.

So tomorrow I have a ton of things to do…

1) Call about dental so that I can find a dentist to fix Edwin’s teeth. The boy thinks he’s a shark or something and has two rows of teeth.

2) Call the Vet Center and see if they offer grief counseling for children as young as 4.

3) Call my dentist and schedule appointments to begin the implants.

4) Call my eye doctor and reschedule my appointment so I can get my broken glasses replaced and not have to wear my sunglasses all the time.

5) Call the zoo and find out why all my membership info is listed under Rob’s name when I’m the primary card holder and I’m the one that paid for it. I also have to make our reservation to go preview the new Stingray exibit before it opens to the public.

6) Go to Michaels and get tissue paper or thin colored plastic to wrap around the ground lights for Halloween night.

7) Decorate out front for Halloween night.

Carve the pumpkins for Halloween night.

9) Finish unpacking more of the boxes that are now all over the house. We emptied the garage yesterday and moved boxes out of there that never got unpacked when we moved in last December.

10) Find time to follow some auctions on ebay that I’m watching.

That’s a lot to have to do tomorrow! I wonder if I’ll be able to schedule in my meals and bathroom breaks! LOL

I feel the sadness coming on. I can only best describe it as “The Nothing” from Neverending Story. It’s like this black cloud just consuming me. I know why it’s coming. Thursday, November 2, would of been mine and Paul’s 2nd wedding anniversary. This all just sucks so bad! I need to call one of the other wives. She sent me an email a couple weeks ago and said she’d like to take me out for dinner again this year like they all did last year. I need to do something. I may even send myself some flowers. I sent myself some beautiful purple carnations for my birthday maybe I’ll do it again for Thursday.

I just want my husband, my knight, my love back. I want to hold him, hug him, kiss him and tell him I’ll love him forever and I’ll never let him go. I want to spend the night with him the way married couples are supposed to. I want to feel him touch me and hear him tell me he loves me. What I wouldn’t give to hear him say, “Hey baby..” just one more time and have it not be a recording on my computer.

So many people take love for granted. They take their lovers for granted. Seriously, have you stopped to tell your loved one what they mean to you lately? And I don’t mean the simple every day “I love you”. I mean have you sat down and told them why they mean so much to you and how you can’t live without them? How you appreciate their love for you and all that they do for you? The next time they forget to put the toilet seat down, or forget to put their glass in the sink, or forget to get their dirty laundry actually in the clothes hamper… just stop and think of just how much you’d miss that annoying book hanging off the side of the bathroom counter if something were to happen to them. I’d give anything to be able to say, “If you don’t quit putting that book there.. one of these days it’s going to fall in the toilet and I’m gonna laugh.” just one more time. I’d give anything to say, “Son of a bitch!” as I trip over his combat boots on the floor on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Or to have him yell at me because I folded his socks wrong yet again. Or to have to call his name 4 times because he’s absorbed in yet another book. I’d even be glad to dump the umpteen half drank soda cans and sweep up the cigarette butts on the front patio just to have him here again.

I’d give anything to have him here to annoy me all over again and this time, I’d tell him I loved him for it.

So there’s been problems all year with attendance, homework and grades. Today we had a parent teacher conference with Caitlyn’s teacher just like every year. But this year I’m getting my act together and getting more active. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Caitlyn brought some of her grades up and was able to achieve honor roll for first quarter despite her difficulties with actually making it to school on 5 of those days.

So to reward her for making honor roll we went to Walmart and she got her first CD player with a CD to listen to on it. Edwin of course huffed and puffed and stated that it wasn’t fair. I said yes it is too far she made honor roll. If you get good grades you’ll be rewarded. I’m also going to start a reward program for perfect attendance. Hopefully Edwin gets that one so then he’ll get something for perfect attendance and Caitlyn won’t. Of course the reward for perfect attendance won’t be at big as for honor roll. Maybe something like a trip for ice cream at Cold Stone Creamary or something since we don’t have ice cream in the house any more.

I emailed about information for counseling today. It sounds like they have a waiting list that’s a month or two long though. So tomorrow I’m going to call the Vet Center and see if they can start sooner and if they offer counseling for 4 year olds. Devlin has been having nightmares regularly since Paul deployed and they have gotten more intense (based on the crying and stuff when he wakes up) since he was killed. Every day my heart hurts on so many levels. For Devlin who will never have his own daddy to do things with. For Caitlyn who felt like he was her daddy. For Edwin who was just getting closer to him. For Paul’s sister for her guilt and pain over not talking to him at the time of his death. For his dad for losing a son. And of course for myself and the loss of my partner in life.

By this time last year Paul was being buried. I was being separated from him never to lay eyes on him again.. never to run my fingers through his hair again. This is the last day of 1 year marks and firsts without him..

Devlin and I are on our way to the cemetery to pay our respects to Jeremiah Robinson. My heart breaks for his parents and his girlfriend. We’re going to leave “our hearts” there and then I have to run to the bank. Edwin has his first junior high school dance tonight. I’m not the one that’s supposed to be taking him to this milestone but Paul is dead and his dad can’t drive right now. sigh Little by little everything is being dumped on me to deal with and handle on my own and it’s getting a bit overwhelming. I really don’t know how single moms do it. I thought I’d be a single mom for only a year and half.. sigh

Ok. I’m off. I’ll be updating My Hero Always later this evening.

I’m going to be working on this site a little every day.. I have so many photos to resize and upload.. Oy! Here is something I posted to my Myspace the other day that I thought I’d share here as well..

I updated My Hero Always. I’m going to start the really long process of resizing and uploading photos to Just Our Family from the last year of our life. This summer alone is going to take ages! I’m also working The Dragon Keep which is the future home of my sig tag collection and I need to get started on my Weightloss site. This weekend I’ll be working on cleaning out my garage and turning it into my work out room. I’m going to be putting down some of those foam squares like you find in preschools and get my exercise bike built. My expensive, fancy treadmill is out there collecting dust. I need to find the “key” for it or see if I can order a replacement.

I feel the need to retract some words I said many years ago, in the off chance they could haunt me again in the future. Once upon a time ago, I thought I’d found my knight in shining armor (I was wrong) but things didn’t end so well. He ended it and I was heart broken. I believed at the time that a breakup as difficult as this one was a lot like grieving. I told him that somehow I thought it would be easier to “get over” him if he really had died and there was a reason to grieve. I was young. I was also wrong. Not wrong in the sense that I’m not over him. I had to let go of him in my heart fully in order to truly love Paul and I did this. I was wrong in the sense that it is so much easier to “get over” somebody when you know they are alive and you can hope they are happy even if it’s not with you. It’s so much more difficult when that person has died. There was so much left for Paul to see and do and he’ll never have that chance. Time spent with his kids and with me and it’s gone. But my ex is alive to try and fail and try again at this whole “love” thing. I use this word lightly because everything is so extreme and mellow dramatic with him. I used to believe it was true raw passion but in truth it’s just dramatics. It’s this realization that made me see that I was holding on to the illusion of who and what I thought he was and not who he truly was in reality. I don’t fall for illusions any more. I’m content to spend some time by myself. I would rather it be spent with Paul as things were meant to be but it is not how it is. So I want to be married to myself for a while. I want to do things for me and not for a man or another person because I think I have something to prove. I want to do things for me and not to make another person proud. I began my weightloss journey because it was something positive to do with the depression of being separated from Paul while he was in Iraq. But a large part of that was that I wanted him to go, “Damn!” and beam with pride when I was welcoming him home with the rest of the unit. I wanted him to be proud to say I was his wife because I looked good. He already felt that way because of my love for him but it wasn’t enough for me. It was enough for him though and it should of been enough for me. But isn’t that part of a loving relationship? Wanting to be a better person because of them? When he died I put back on the 50 lbs I’d lost and a little extra because who’s trophy would I be now? But that’s wrong! That’s not the way I should of been thinking.. I want to be my own trophy. I want to be happy with me for once and I’ll be damned if I let anybody take this away from me. I can’t control the fact that Paul is gone but I can control this and I will!

Ok I’ve rambled quite a bit. I feel like I’ve learned so much about life and myself in the last year and yet I feel there is still so much more to learn. What I have learned that is most important though is that I need to be true to myself.

We’re off to the east coast with 3 adults, 6 kids, 2 dogs and a 2 week old kitten! See ya in 4 weeks!

Last night we celebrated Edwin’s graduation from the 6th grade! I’m so incredibly proud of him and Caitlyn as well! Most children who lose a parent fail the grade they are in when it happens. For a while it looked as though that might happen. I’m so proud of them for making it through this very difficult school year. Not only did we lose Paul but we moved to a new school zone and they had to struggle to make new friends and adjust to a new school. I was so proud of him at his graduation ceremony that I started crying and couldn’t stop.

Yesterday morning I finally got brave. After 9 years of wanting to do it, I got my eyebrow pierced! It didn’t hurt like I was told it would but I have a high pain tollerance. I love it! I’ll post pictures as soon as I find the cable to my camera.

I figured since we are starting a whole new life following Paul’s death, we should make a new start on our website also. I will be gradually getting content added back that still applies and I will hopefully be making more updates. Over the next few weeks I hope to get more features added and get this site completed prior to my trip back East next month.